03.08.10

Update

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:58 pm by kellgaston

Surgery took a little longer than expected. I think they got started late and although the doctor initially told me it would take 30 minutes, this morning he said an hour, and in reality, I think it took longer. The doctor enlarge the original sinus “window” and created a new one at the base of my right cheek sinus. They took me back around 11:15 and I woke up in recovery around 1:30. I was really hurting like somebody had beaten me up (or run over me), so they gave me some additional pain meds, followed by my regular pain meds. It helped for a few minutes but then kicked in. They gave me another round around 3:00 and that was enough to get me home.

My nose seems to bleed a lot anytime I get up, so I’m pretty much couch bound.

Surgery again

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:45 am by kellgaston

Back at the hospital for round two of sinus surgery. The doctor is going to make an additional drainage path for my left sinus.

Of course, I had to take a pregnancy test as part of the pre-op stuff. It came back negative. Yeah! The hcg is all gone.

03.03.10

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:22 pm by kellgaston

Just finished shopping with my mom for Ava. She’s outgrown everything but it was virtually impossible to find clothes she can wear RIGHT now. Everything was short sleeve or sleeveless. Frustrating.

And I am tired. I seem to have very little energy.

And I am hungry. I have not been very Points conscious.

And I am sad. I thought I was doing really well. But last night, things changed. Maybe it was the announcement that one of my FB friend’s baby arrived. Maybe it was talking about my nephew’s baby who is due in October. Maybe it was seeing all the kids at the mall play area last night. Or maybe reality has just started to set in as the physical reminders of the miscarriage have diminished. I seem to be floundering — I had plans in place and was working toward a goal that has now vanished.

And I know that getting pg again may not be easy. And even if we do get pg, we’ll be back at square one and I’ll be super scared. I hate square 1! I’m not a patient person.

I just can’t seem to make myself get back into a routine.

02.26.10

I must be crazy . . .

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:12 pm by kellgaston

So, back in December I went to the ENT to get answers for why I am still having sinus issues. The answer: more surgery to create an additional drainage channel for my left sinus.

Unfortunately for me, the doctor did not have a spare half hour in his surgical schedule to take care of it before year’s end. I had met my insurance out of pocket maximum and wanted to take advantage of that fact.

In early January, the tell tale sign of sinus problems to come, which I fondly refer to as “the smell” returned. I called. They wanted me to have surgery. Well, uh, I was pregnant, so I was given antibiotics.

Since that is no longer an issue, I called the doctor earlier this week to see if they could fit me in. Of course they can, now. The surgeon’s fee for this stupid procedure is over $900, for 30 minutes! Good gosh! No wonder we need insurance reform. I mentioned a discount of some kind to his nurse. I plan to at least negotiate, since the first surgery was supposed to have “fixed” this problem.

11:00 on March 8th. Joy.

Potty Update

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:07 pm by kellgaston

On Thursday, Nathaniel made great progress toward being potty trained. He wore underwear all day and only had one accident. He insisted on doing it himself, meaning he took off his underwear and climbed up on the potty without assistance.

Today, I was brave and took him to MDO in underwear. Last time he was there, he refused to go for the teacher. Today, I promised him a surprise if he would go all day. And he did! I was shocked to see him in his original clothes when I arrived. (I took him 3 sets of clothes) So, he was the proud recipient of seven pairs of Cars underwear. He loves them and insisted on wearing all of them at once. That didn’t last long though, because it took too long to get them off. He did have one accident this evening (right after daddy got home). He told me he needed to go just as he started going. Great.

Hopefully this continues tomorrow.

One Week

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:03 pm by kellgaston

It’s been a week tonight that the spotting started — a week since our lives changed drastically. Someday, it may not seem so, but right now, it seems as though everything has changed.

I’ve tried to put it into perspective. In the grander scheme of things, this is nothing. But for me, it is not small nor insignificant. There were a lot of hopes and dreams wound up in that little person. And there will be new hopes and dreams, but those were there and they were lost. And I find it hard to let them go. They occupied much of my “free” and “unfree” time.

We are blessed with our two healthy little ones. We did not lose a living, breathing child, we lost a potential one. But it was their little brother or sister and that is hard. They will never get to know each other.

In my existence, there has been a fair share of tragedy, of bad things both expected and unexpected. I think probably more than my fair share. I lost an aunt and uncle who were more like grandparents, I lost my only grandparent, my dad has Alzheimer’s (and has had it since the mid-1990s), I went through a disastrous first marriage and subsequent divorce, and dh and I suffered with infertility. Through that, I think I can identify three weeks that were the worst, three weeks that made a drastic difference in the course of my existence:

1. The week my mom had her knees replaced in 1999. It was a stressful experience coming off a difficult semester. I “felt” like I was left alone to care for my dad (although my brother and sisters were around) and that was just too much for me to handle. I was very angry at God for letting this happen for a long time afterward.

2. The week I decided that a divorce was necessary in 2003. It was a bitter week — I was depressed. I did not want it, but felt that it was get a divorce or lose my mind. In taking that step, I fully acknowledged that I might always be “alone” and never be a mother — that was one of the hardest parts.

3. This past week. Even though I had been worried from the beginning of the pregnancy, it was still so unexpected. I was shocked to see the spotting. It couldn’t be. I know the statistics, but I had two healthy, successful pregnancies, so why would this be any different?

I’m doing better. Dh doesn’t let me “mope” for long. He was accusing me of being mopey while the m/c was happening and “forced” me to smile. I don’t think making bad faces during contractions constitutes being mopey, but . . . And it’s impossible to be sad when Ava and Nathaniel are around — they are hilarious! Besides, who has time to just sit around and cry. You have to keep moving. It’s good to have things to keep you busy.

I’m glad this week is over. Next week has to be better.

02.25.10

Thursday

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:25 pm by kellgaston

Nothing like being sick with a stomach virus and alone with two toddlers four days after a miscarriage. Don’t get me started on that subject ….

The biggest development today is In potty training news. Thanny has decided he can go all by himself. And he has done really well with only one accident. The true test will be tomorrow when he is at MDO.

So ready to get away…..

Wednesday

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:21 pm by kellgaston

I thought the worst of the physical pain was over. Not quite.

Around 9:30, I was doubled over in pain. Contractions and heavy bleeding with a large clot. I took pain reliever but I was so miserable that I finally called the doctor. They said it was completely normal. Finally lessened after about an hour and a half.

While the house was being sprayed, we ran to McD’s in Norman for lunch and playtime with another mom from Atoka. Her little girl is a day or two older than Thanny. They had a good time but were ready to come home.

Wedesday night, I was not hungry. That’s a bad sign. It seems that the stomach virus that my household has had finally caught up with me. Grrrr…..

I think I only cried once and was actually able to talk about it with dh.

Tuesday

Posted in Uncategorized at 3:14 pm by kellgaston

Tuesday was awful. I was alone for the first time and I was not ready for that.

I had the first of my “Carissa” closings. It was originally scheduled for the 8th but the mortgage company could not seem to get their act together. The date kept getting moved. I didn’t know for sure that it would close Tuesday till that morning. So, everything goes smoothly till funding. Usually it takes the mortgage company about 15 minutes to wire the funds after everything has been signed. Closing was at 10 and the checks did not get cut until 2:30. Longest closing ever!

I just wanted to be home and everything that happened seemed to be preventing me from getting home.

So glad to get home and have a good cry.

We are talking about running away to a sunshiny place.

02.22.10

The Good Doctor Says …

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:31 pm by kellgaston

There was nothing we could have done. He assures me that I did not need supplemental progesterone. He said that if I’d lain flat on my back since day 1, it would still have happened.

But everything looked good. No surgery required. No restrictions. I can do whatever I feel up to doing

That meant a little retail therapy. I’d cleaned out my closets of clothes I disliked, thinking I’d be moving into maternity clothes for a while. So, I needed some more normal sized tops.

It is still surreal. I am a planner and right now, I am just blocking that out. I don’t want to think ahead. On Saturday, I wished I could just go to sleep for the next weeks and wake up forgetful. But I don’t want to forget the good parts.

Ava is sleeping in the office because my mom is sick and they usually share a room. I had been making plans to turn that room into the nursery and now it just seems so big and empty and desolate. Somehow it helps to have Ava in there.

Overall, it is a relief to have the day over.

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