05.21.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:11 pm by kellgaston
Today is a “big” day, at least in my mind. Five years ago today, I took the plunge and emailed dh. I had come across his profile on m*tch.com some time before, but had been too busy to contact him. On the 20th, I’d had another “big day . . . catering for a certain band of infertiles (i.e., the D*xie Chicks) and then getting to sit in the front row of their concert for free. So, I guess I was feeling good and thought I’d contact him.
I have to admit that I would have contacted him a lot sooner had it not been for his user name and some phrase he used on his profile (something from F*ght Club). I didn’t understand the meaning behind either (the user name related to his favorite professional football team).
So, today I celebrate the fact that we “found” each other (with a lot of divine intervention) and that we have been so blessed over the past five years.
Here’s to five more (and five more and five more and . . . ).
Love ya, sweetheart.
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05.13.08
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:45 pm by kellgaston
Where to begin? The last week plus has been CRAZY!
Let’s see, last Monday, my middle sister lost her job. Then Thursday night, my brother was in an awful accident. Someone turned right in front of him (he was driving a loaded log truck). Needless to say, it was bad.
Saturday was nice. We went down south to celebrate Mother’s Day a little early. Almost everybody was there and we had a great time.
Sunday . . . well, I’d like to forget about Sunday. The only good thing was that I felt little baby move for the first time. Exciting.
Otherwise, it was an absolutely horrible day. We’re celebrating Mother’s Day some other day. It was that bad. If you know dh and/or his family, you might want to stop reading right here.
My middle sister reminded me that God likes to laugh at plans. I had my schedule all worked out for the next several weeks . . . ha ha ha. That’s been all shot to pieces.
Why, you might ask? Well, most everyone I know knows the why. If you don’t, well, let’s just say that there has been some . . . upheaval . . . in a certain family, with rippling effects.
Thankfully, I only have to juggle Big Baby for two more days. Not knowing what the day will bring till well in the day is unsettling, to say the least. I don’t recommend it.
See, the problem is that have serious concerns about the behavior of a certain member of that family. I consider this person potentially dangerous as well as a bad influence (as a result of severe neglect, abuse, and FAS). Therefore, I find it necessary to limit big baby’s exposure to this person. If dh or I are not present, then big baby is not to be around this person. Truth is, I do not like to be around this person either. This person’s presence, this person’s very voice sends me over the edge. I don’t know what it is — I’ve never felt this way about any other person. I have tried and tried to overcome it, but I cannot.
Problem is, my feelings have a negative effect on many aspects of my life. I want to avoid this person, which is difficult considering the closeness of the relationship. The situation has been the source of many . . . heated . . . discussions with dh. The situation makes me angry and yet I feel powerless to do anything about it.
But there’s more to it — I think that taking this person into the family was a mistake. I’ve always thought it was a mistake. Of course, my advice was not solicited. When people consider adoption, they should really think about the consequences, all the consequences — short term, long term, and how it will affect those around them. I understand the mental anguish that goes into such decisions — I’ve been faced with them myself, but letting pain influence life-changing decisions isn’t wise.
I am a researcher. That’s what I do. And I was a teacher, a teacher who dealt with special needs children. That doesn’t make me an expert on the subject — in fact, I realize and admit my limitations. However, I think that when dealing with children with special needs, it is crucial to educate oneself, to learn about options, etc. So, I’ve done my research. I may not have the full scoop and know all the history, but based on the available information, the prognosis is not good, but steps can be taken to minimize problems and maximize outcomes. Problem is, no one seems to be paying attention to the facts. I believe in miracles, yes, but the basic truth is that they don’t generally happen and it is naive to expect them to. For a child with this history, the prognosis is not good. 80 percent cannot function alone as adults. Upwards of 60 percent end up in JAIL. There are a host of other associated problems, stemming from the fact that such children cannot function appropriately in society, and often get angry and act out, getting progressively angrier as they age. I don’t know why I would possibly be concerned about my precious baby being around such a person. Call me crazy.
If I’m being asked to be around such a person (and to occasionally help care for such a person) it would be desirable to be provided with the information and resources to best do so. Problem is, I don’t know that experts have been consulted. The methods being used seem contrary to what is suggested in research.
Hopefully I am being paranoid and a negative nellie. Hopefully everything will work out fine. I pray it will.
But, how to survive in a situation that I consider unbearable until such time as it “works out?” That is my dilemma.
Separating myself from the situation? Difficult to carry out, but I guess that’s the route I’ll at least attempt right now. Just writing down my thoughts is extremely therapeutic. I don’t write any of this to be hurtful to anyone — some might say I’m selfish for sharing these things — but I can only hold things in for so long — so if sharing instead of exploding is selfish, well then, chalk me up as SELFISH.
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