05.30.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:20 pm by kellgaston
It was just a coincidence. Two losses in three months is just coincidence. Probably no problem.
Just for “my sake” he said we could do some testing next cycle. Umm, yes, please. So, I will call when on CD 1 and we will go in for an ultrasound to check my antral follicles and do some bloodwork on cd 3. On cd 10 I will have another test to check for uterine abnormalities (something done in the office, the name of which escapes me at the moment). And then I’m sure there will be more bloodwork. Ultimately, he is looking to see if I have an egg quality or uterine issue.
I basically begged for progesterone for this month, but no dice. He said to test on cd 27 but at that point it could be too late . . . ugh. Testing on cd 27 because of my luteal phase defect. He never used those words before (although I knew that was why I was on clomid in the first place). But I kind of disagree. I’ve been having a 12-14 day luteal phase. Anything over 12 is considered normal . . . But it has been shorter in the past year. My hormones are just wonky.
I tried to blame it on my mother 
but the guys just blew me off — hey, she was fertile until her mid-40s. My eggs seem to be old now. (I only had 9 antral follicles back in Fall 2006 before my ivf cycle with ds. At my age, I should have had many more. One study I read said that people with less than 10 should expect to experiece menopause in less than 10 years and infertility much sooner. That was almost four years ago. Kind of scary.) Maybe there’s a connection (seeing as all three of us girls have had secondary fertility issues). IDK
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05.21.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 1:28 pm by kellgaston
No need to repeat bloodwork on Thursday. It all came to an end on Wednesday afternoon. I’m glad I didn’t have to wait and wait or have any other procedures.
The doctor wanted us to come in on Thursday, but of course, that was out of the question. So, we go in on Tuesday to talk. We’ll see. Like Oprah, my mom says to let the dream die, to stop trying. I’m just not ready to do that yet though. Close, but not yet.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 1:19 pm by kellgaston
My dad as a young boy in the late 1920s/early 1930s
Quincey A. “Muggs” C., Jr. was born in Haywood, Pittsburg County, Oklahoma on September 26, 1924 to Quincey A. and Nancy (Vernon) C. He passed away early Tuesday morning, May 18, 2010 at the Oklahoma Veteran’s Center in Norman after a long battle with Alzheimer’s.
Muggs spent most of his life south of Lane, although in his early childhood, his family lived in several communities in Pittsburg, Bryan, Coal, and Atoka counties. He was a child of the depression and had little time or opportunity for formal education. Instead, his older sister, Velora, helped him with lessons at home. Muggs began logging in the redwoods of northern California at age 18. He volunteered to serve in the military during World War II, but he was initially rejected for health reasons. Eventually, he would be allowed to serve and he spent time in Europe in 1945. He was honorably discharged and returned to logging in California and Oklahoma.
In 1952, Quincey bought a raffle ticket for a box of groceries from an Atoka High School senior named Louise T. He won the drawing, and asked her out. They married in January 1953. Over the next 25 years, they had four children: Quinna, Arthur, Blossom, and Kelli. Eventually, Arthur would join Quincey in the logging business and they worked together until his retirement in 1988.
Quincey was a faithful member of Lane Baptist Church for many years. He also served as a deacon and Sunday School teacher. He and Louise were always there early and stayed late to help with activities. He truly had a servant’s heart.
He is survived by his wife, Louise, of Lane; four children, daughter Quinna and husband Jerry L. of Durant; son Arthur and wife Tina of Lane; daughter Blossom of Norman; and daughter Kelli and husband Scott G. of Moore; nine grandchildren, Britt L. and wife Edna of Durant, Jon L. and wife Lori of Broken Arrow, Sham C. and wife Amy of Lane, Millie and husband Jeff S. of Dallas, Megan and husband Joe H. of Cleveland, Ohio, Seth C. and wife Mallory of Lane, Edward B. of Norman, Nathaniel G. of Moore, and Ava G. of Moore; six great grandchildren, Jonathan, Joshua and Journey L. of Durant, Kord, Dace, and Stihl C. of Lane, and Olivia S. of Dallas, one brother Jack C. of Lane, and many nieces and nephews.
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05.19.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:04 am by kellgaston
There’s some old CCR song with those lyrics.
That’s how I feel. I’d like to be anywhere but here. I don’t want to be asked how I am, or have to smile. I don’t want to cry anymore or feel guilty if I don’t cry. I couldn’t bring myself to touch my father’s body on Monday (before or after he died). I said goodbye a long, long time ago. And for the last 10 years or so, I’ve just been trying to forget the bad stuff and remember before he got sick (and I couldn’t do that if I was around him very often). I hope now that I really can forget the Alzheimer’s years and remember back, long ago, to when I was a little girl. But I’m afraid it’s been too long.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 1:55 am by kellgaston
Those who have never experienced infertility or miscarriage just don’t get it. Some may try (and that is to be applauded) but others . . . are just plain insensitive.
My father dies on Monday, the same day I find out that this pregnancy is not going to work out. In fact, I was at the veteran’s center when I got the news.
While we waited, we discussed my dad’s obituary and what we wanted to say. My sister brought up that some people mention babies that are on the way when they are listing grandchildren or great grandchildren, referring to my nephew’s baby boy due in October. (she didn’t know about my current condition or lack thereof) I thought I made it clear that I would not want that baby mentioned in an obituary. Apparently not.
Because guess what the obituary mentions? that baby. I hope you all get sufficient enjoyment out of reading his name in my father’s obituary to justify the pain that it has caused me.
Why does it bother me? One, it reminds me of my baby that was due in September — due in fact on my now dead father’s birthday. Second, I am currently losing another baby. But technically, I am pregnant. Where’s my baby’s name in the obituary? Maybe it shouldn’t bother me, but until you’ve walked in my shoes don’t tell me what should and should not bother me.
What’s the old saying about counting chickens before they are hatched, anyway? Oh, right, non-infertiles and those who have not experienced pregnancy loss don’t worry about things like that.
Shame on them.
I wish I could be that naive.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 1:46 am by kellgaston
Last Friday night (during Ladies’ Night), my oldest sister texted me that the VA care facility where my dad was a resident had contacted her about a change in his condition. I asked if I should go, but she said that wasn’t necessary.
He died on Monday evening (officially early early Tuesday morning). I never thought it would happen. His body was so strong, that even to the end I thought he would just keep breathing and breathing. I kept telling him to just stop breathing, stop trying, just let go.
21 years ago, my parents built a new house. My dad had just retired from the logging business and my mom had always wanted another new house (with a smaller yard). My dad was never the same afterwards. At first the signs were subtle, but by 1993-1994, they were definitely there. My dad had Alzheimer’s. The last time I remember him doing something on his own was May 1, 1993 — my nephew Britt’s wedding — and I remember we were worried about him then. That was 17 years ago this month.
The funeral is tomorrow. I think instead of a funeral, we should be having a party. Our long nightmare is over. His body is free at last. His spirit has been gone for a long, long time.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 1:39 am by kellgaston
Chemical pregnancy?
Took an hpt on Sunday afternoon. Faint positive. Crazy thing is I meant to take another on Monday morning to see if it was darker. Well, I get up in the “morning” on Monday, take the test and then realize it’s like 1 a.m. No second line, but I chalk it up to having gone to the bathroom two hours before.
Blood draw at the clinic on Monday and results late afternoon. Hcg of only 12.5 and progesterone of only 7. Not good. Repeat on Thursday. Why bother.
Took another hpt this morning. If things were improving, the second line should be dark now. Instead, it was barely, barely there.
Please just be over soon.
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05.02.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 3:53 pm by kellgaston
I really think I do. They are the hardest days for me. Maybe it is the preggo bellies at church. Maybe I am just a little mad at God and Sunday brings that to the forefront. Maybe I am just weary and need a vacation. Maybe I am just a mean person … That’s certainly how I feel.
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